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Some days I wake up feeling 60 and other days I wake up feeling 6. So if your within that age group .. we can relate.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Somedays I just wanna .....

The Scream by Edvard Munch

Kempen Mari Membaca

1 year's worth of book sales + rediscovering my dad's collection of self help books = 2 shelves of unread books sticking out like sore thumbs at the bottom of my bookcase . Since Uni killed my reading habit, I'm gonna dam well make sure I finish a book a day during this pseudo holiday.

Before I enter the working world which I'm sure will gleefully kill it as well.

I was once Young, Fearless and very Oblivious

Headache (c) Sarolta Ban

Sitting on the stage when I was 9, I had just told the entire school a story I had memorized. It was about a frog who ventured away from his lily pad to see the world, "A Frog Like Me" or "Runaway Froggie" I think it was called. Tiny details escape me now, but I remember grabbing a storybook off my book-shelve the day before the competition trying to memorize it in a day.

Now I don't really remember how I felt when I told my story, I could have stuttered my way through the whole thing or rattled off the whole story like a parrot, that I don't know. But what I do remember is how I felt when they announced the winners.

I didn't hear my name being called out for 3rd place or 2nd place, which didn't bother me at all as never felt that my chances of going home with at least a prize was gone. I was just so confident that they were going to call me for first, that when they actually did call my name for first place I didn't really feel surprised. I just knew it was going to be me.

Now why this memory sticks out for me was not because I won some crummy story telling competition back in Primary school. But that it was honestly the last time I had ever felt that kind of absolute confidence.

Growing up, facing more roadblocks in life we start becoming more cautious on keeping our hopes up too high. "Oh I it's Ok I was expecting this mark anyway" or "It's Ok I didn't get it, I never wanted it anyway, I just joined for fun". It's pretty easy why we do it really. Lowering your expectations becomes the airbag that lessens your injuries when your car crashes headfirst into reality.

But the danger in this is that we begin getting so good at hiding away our Hopes, that we sometimes forget where we kept them in the first place . Hopes get lost, and Dreams get forgotten .

The flashback of this forgotten memory suddenly came up to me while I was talking to my friend. I was explaining to her how I had sent in a couple of applications and I surprised myself on how negative I sounded on actually getting it.

This was not just cushioning myself for reality, this was downright setting up a self fulfilling prophesy for failure . Now I've not read 'The Secret' but I've heard about their Law of Attraction theory, which basically is positive thinking attracts positive results. I truly do believe in that, which was why my sudden negative attitude really bothered me.

Taking a step back I realize that this negative state of mind has crept up in other aspects of my life. Trust me tho, it didn't make things better when things didn't turn up the way I wanted it to be. Knowing you didn't get what you want is sucks, even if you were positive or negative about it.

What I'm trying to say is I wanna get that feeling back, that feeling of absolute confidence the snot nose 9 year old me once knew .

And what's the worst that can happen, I could be positive over something. I don't get what I want. It would sting a bit more, I might shed a few tears *snort* who am i kidding I'll probably cry for a week. But I'd get over it. then I'd be positive over something else and if I don't get what I want. It would sting a more, I might shed .......

but hey things will work out eventually.

Just like how it was when I was at my story telling competition. Problems could have arose, I could have blanked out on stage or never had memorized the story on time . If I had to do the same thing now those thoughts would certainly plague me. But back then it didn't, I chose to be oblivious.

We cant turn back time and become kids again for sure, but we can replicate aspects of who we used to be, in shaping out who we can be. Time to give this absolute confidence thing another try.

“When we think of failure, failure will be ours. If we remain undecided, nothing will ever change. All we need to do is want to achieve something great and then simply to do it. Never think of failure, for what we think, will come about.”
--Mahesh Prasad Varma

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Polaroid days

What is it about us humans that in the world of cutting edge technology it is in the things of the past we always revert back to. I spent my whole afternoon sipping hot coffee going through all 311 Polaroids taken by Parker Fitzgerald . Matching a quote to the amazing scenes he captures 365 days of his life in 2010 with his Polaroid camera.

Warm tones, hushed shadows and ghostly flairs creating a layer unique to this brand of photography . With the magic of Photoshop, this style could of course be replicated with a photo taken by a digital camera.

But there is just something about this old school photography :point, shoot, print: no room for touch ups or retakes, that truly captures the magic of the moment.

All photos taken from Parker's 365 Polaroid Quotes flicker series. Check it out *Here*

Friday, October 22, 2010

Out of Frame

Banksy vs Bristol Museum (c) MG/BS4

Life is like an unfinished painting. Don't frame it up until your dead.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Messy Minds

The Novel (c) Kate Bernauer

Debris of thoughts once they begin collecting in your mind they begin to cover every empty space they can find. Have you seen the show called Hoarders ? Its about a bunch of people who cannot let go of things, from ratty looking stuffed animals to cracked china, these things they no longer use began piling up covering functional spaces like their bathrooms and kitchens, leaving them unable to perform their daily rituals. Why eat standing up when you can clear out that broken toaster and blender, reclaim your table and have a nice sit down dinner. Why do they allow it to happen to them ?

From how I see it most of them don't even know how bad their problem is until someone tells it to them. Which is why most hoarders believe that they are actually collectors, when they are really being possessed by their possessions When your so used to living in a certain kind of environment what really is toxic seems so natural to you.Thoughts to me are the same. People who keep their thoughts or problems to themselves end up just thinking and rethinking the same thing. These thoughts cascade down the mind like Tetrist blocks, bits of odd pieces trying to fit but cant seem to match one another. Building up one incomplete line after another, till you reach Game Over.

As they pile up one on top of the other, the impossibility to get rid of these thoughts then allows it to posses us. The problem gets bigger. Which is why it is very important to tell people how you feel before it does, be it a friend, a stranger or a family member. Its important to spring clean your mind once in a while get rid of the chunks of stagnant thoughts and toxic emotions that take up space. Make room for fresh crazy thoughts so you wont let them overlap, manifest and make an even bigger mess.

Talk. Write. Scream. Shout. Get those ugly thoughts out !

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Time and Tide

"The Pumpkin President" (c) Mark Ryden

I wanted a watch with no dials. Suspended Reality transitioning into absurdity.
I asked my father could I ? and he said no.
I asked my mother should I and she said yes, Go.

So off I went into this Timeless Realm,
Been stuck here ever since then,
Leaves and flowers instead of minutes and hours.
Demon goats and pumpkin men using coats.

Everything was so blinding,
Fabulous, magical, stupefying,
Thats when I knew I needed to go,
Suspended reality grounded insanity, back to the place i know.

I asked my mother 'Could i please come back ?'
She said 'No, my Dear once your in, there's no turning back.'

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Growing Out

"When girls grow up they lose their childlike confidence and can never gain it back"

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Killer Technology and Hello i'm back.

Video killed radio ...

Internet killed television .....

MSN killed ICQ

Facebook killed Friendster ....

Twitter killed blogger ...

one day

Tumblr will kill twitter ...

So when does this technological genocide ever end ?

Very easy it ends from where it begins ...

You. Me. Everybody

But since this is my blog, lets start with just me shall we.

So then lets start anew . My name is Malati how do you do ?

I've decided to start blogging again .

The fonts in my brain are beginning to annoy me,

"You can't always condense us to 140"

You see when you shift from one online platform to another you either have a clean break or don't break from it at all .

When I shifted from Friendster to Facebook . I never really looked back on Friendster .

Well except this one time when i googled my own name, needless to say after looking at the horrendously poser pictures of myself .


Close up picture of my eyes, bearing cliche tag line "My eyes are the window to my soul"

"What were you thinking 15 year old self ?"

But I was pretty sure that never again will i have the burning urge to go on my friends Friendster page and write them a 'Testimonial".

Seriously Friendster writing each other Testimonials ? What were we, putting in applications to be each others friends .

So then I shifted from Blogger to Twitter .The shift was gradual, it was much easier to let my thoughts out in bite sized pieces of 140 characters every time something happens.

To put it elegantly, its like you brain farting out words, spontaneous, unfiltered and kinda smelly.

It was was great at first. Actually it's still is great, but I missed you Blogger.

I never really could quit you. I'd tweet about you , write about you, talk about you, secretly come back and attempt to revive you.

But if you see this post, then its official this blog has been given CPR.

and I am Back and I'm gonna stop here and click 'Publish Post' instead of the usual 'Save as Draft'

" Blogging is not rocket science, it’s about being yourself, and putting what you have into it."