Monday, November 22, 2010
1 year's worth of book sales + rediscovering my dad's collection of self help books = 2 shelves of unread books sticking out like sore thumbs at the bottom of my bookcase . Since Uni killed my reading habit, I'm gonna dam well make sure I finish a book a day during this pseudo holiday.
Before I enter the working world which I'm sure will gleefully kill it as well.
Headache (c) Sarolta Ban
Sitting on the stage when I was 9, I had just told the entire school a story I had memorized. It was about a frog who ventured away from his lily pad to see the world, "A Frog Like Me" or "Runaway Froggie" I think it was called. Tiny details escape me now, but I remember grabbing a storybook off my book-shelve the day before the competition trying to memorize it in a day.
Now I don't really remember how I felt when I told my story, I could have stuttered my way through the whole thing or rattled off the whole story like a parrot, that I don't know. But what I do remember is how I felt when they announced the winners.
I didn't hear my name being called out for 3rd place or 2nd place, which didn't bother me at all as never felt that my chances of going home with at least a prize was gone. I was just so confident that they were going to call me for first, that when they actually did call my name for first place I didn't really feel surprised. I just knew it was going to be me.
Now why this memory sticks out for me was not because I won some crummy story telling competition back in Primary school. But that it was honestly the last time I had ever felt that kind of absolute confidence.
Growing up, facing more roadblocks in life we start becoming more cautious on keeping our hopes up too high. "Oh I it's Ok I was expecting this mark anyway" or "It's Ok I didn't get it, I never wanted it anyway, I just joined for fun". It's pretty easy why we do it really. Lowering your expectations becomes the airbag that lessens your injuries when your car crashes headfirst into reality.
But the danger in this is that we begin getting so good at hiding away our Hopes, that we sometimes forget where we kept them in the first place . Hopes get lost, and Dreams get forgotten .
The flashback of this forgotten memory suddenly came up to me while I was talking to my friend. I was explaining to her how I had sent in a couple of applications and I surprised myself on how negative I sounded on actually getting it.
This was not just cushioning myself for reality, this was downright setting up a self fulfilling prophesy for failure . Now I've not read 'The Secret' but I've heard about their Law of Attraction theory, which basically is positive thinking attracts positive results. I truly do believe in that, which was why my sudden negative attitude really bothered me.
Taking a step back I realize that this negative state of mind has crept up in other aspects of my life. Trust me tho, it didn't make things better when things didn't turn up the way I wanted it to be. Knowing you didn't get what you want is sucks, even if you were positive or negative about it.
What I'm trying to say is I wanna get that feeling back, that feeling of absolute confidence the snot nose 9 year old me once knew .
And what's the worst that can happen, I could be positive over something. I don't get what I want. It would sting a bit more, I might shed a few tears *snort* who am i kidding I'll probably cry for a week. But I'd get over it. then I'd be positive over something else and if I don't get what I want. It would sting a more, I might shed .......
but hey things will work out eventually.
Just like how it was when I was at my story telling competition. Problems could have arose, I could have blanked out on stage or never had memorized the story on time . If I had to do the same thing now those thoughts would certainly plague me. But back then it didn't, I chose to be oblivious.
We cant turn back time and become kids again for sure, but we can replicate aspects of who we used to be, in shaping out who we can be. Time to give this absolute confidence thing another try.
“When we think of failure, failure will be ours. If we remain undecided, nothing will ever change. All we need to do is want to achieve something great and then simply to do it. Never think of failure, for what we think, will come about.”
--Mahesh Prasad Varma
--Mahesh Prasad Varma